Sixty Years...What I Know for Sure

Sixty years ago, born blonde haired, blue eyed, probably no hair really, just a little peach fuzz to a couple of young teachers. I was given the feminine version of my daddy's name, (for he was in hopes of a son), and joined an older sister which was four and 1/2 years old. I was raised in a very small town in the panhandle of  Florida. Crossed a bridge over a creek every day, twice a day, to get to school and back to the place I called home. I lived in the same house for 18 years. My sister and I had our own rooms, we had central heating and air, washing machine and dryer my whole life. A very easy life, in that way. We always had odd and end chores to do though. Daddy was an entrepreneur so he always had something extra going on; a coined operated laundromat that we kept clean. We didn't live on a farm (really) but daddy still had pigs, of which we had to unload corn for occasionally, on an early Saturday morning. He kept us on our toes like that. He didn't want to spoil us (I guess.)  My mother worked hard too. She had a full time job, but  I can still smell those homemade biscuits that she made every morning for breakfast before we went to school. Daddy and mama worked hard to make a good life for the four of us. My grandparents were an important part of my growing up. I would attend a "holiness" church with them on occasion. I can still hear my poppy request a certain page number to sing from the upbeat list of songs; what an impression this must have made on me in those formative years. Loved spending the night with them. Poppy always had to have his bowl of ice cream. Me too. My granny could make the best homemade peanut candy. She would use fresh cane syrup made just down the road. I can still see us standing around while it cooled, anxiously waiting her to say, "Okay, it's ready." Miss my grandparents so. Everyday of my life, mama pulled my hair straight back in a pony tail and she would drive us to school all together; the three of us. I was known as "Sammie Jean" by those that knew me well. You know every little southern girl has to have her middle name attached to her first name. Daddy and mama taught physical education at the same school where my sister and I attended school our whole lives. That was where life became a little more complicated. There were always certain expectations that we had to live up to and there were always those that thought we had it easier than they did. They just didn't know. I had new dresses hanging in my closet that I wouldn't wear to school. Friends in elementary school ran and hid from me and whispered behind my back. I just smiled and acted like it didn't bother me. Never understood why, guess I wasn't suppose to. Wasn't crazy about elementary school.  We couldn't play outside long enough and had to learn multiplication facts by heart. Hated numbers and math. Couldn't wait to get home and play with my next door neighbor, a boy. I was a tomboy so it was easy. We rode bikes, climbed trees, life was simple in my yard so unlike school. We played hard and I got hurt often. Fell out of tree and sprang my arm, and severely cut my leg open and had to get stitches.  My piano teacher once said, "If you practiced as much as you rode your bike you would be great." Oh well, I didn't practice and was never great. I also had a big imagination and loved playing alone too. My dolls were close companions. Watched The Wizard of  Oz every year of my life. Cried every time. I could relate to Dorothy, the lion, the scarecrow, and the tin man. There were pieces of my personality entwined in each one of them.  I was a natural born entertainer. I couldn't sing very well but that didn't matter. I sang at school functions and at church too. I was a jokester in my family, always trying to keep them laughing. Never understood why they thought it was funny that I turned and looked at them out of the corner of my eye when I wasn't telling the truth. Oh well, they laughed anyway. I would do anything to get my daddy's attention. Like the times he would say, "Sammie Jean, climb that rope to the top of the gym." "Show these boys how it is done." After all, I was his namesake, I wasn't dare going to disappoint him.  Pleasing daddy was very important to me when I was a little girl.  I once even wore the campaign sticker that said, "Vote For My Daddy", when he ran for a political office. He always had my vote...and my heart. Think about my daddy often. I'm not sure if learning was hard because I wasn't smart enough or I just didn't have my heart in it. I'm pretty sure I was good at the things I was passionate about...like anything physical. Each summer we took swimming lessons in the nearby town. I remember those in charge telling me to get out of the pool and get in the right class. I always wanted to be in the class with my friends. I guess I was such a good swimmer because I practically lived in the creek across from our house. Everyone would either climb the big tree and dive out of it or swing from the rope and jump into the icy cold water (or both.) All of us "creek dwellers" could swim like a fish. I remember being on up in age when I told my friend one summer that we couldn't play together. It was hard to explain but I just knew for some strange reason that I didn't want to ride my bicycle with him anymore. I wore my hair down to school for the first time that year and put a little mascara on. I won class beauty. Pretty enough...definitely not a beauty. I had lost some of my tomboy ways though. I remember seeing the movie Love Story with my friend. I cried for a week, but I loved that movie anyway. Middle school was fun. Loved science class. My friends and I left class everyday to cross the road and go into the woods near the creek and work on our science project. I can't tell you what our project was or why we were allowed to do that, but it was the funnest class of my life. I think that is when I fell in love with life science.  I became a cheerleader in middle school. It was the natural thing to do; my sister was a cheerleader, my mama was the coach, and I loved being in front of a crowd.  It was a perfect fit.  Every since I can remember I loved God. Never cared too much for the formality of church though. But, there were always older girls in our church that I looked up to and loved. I loved my sister's friends too. Her and her friends were a good influence. I loved how they all loved Jesus so much. I once gave a speech to become state chaplain in an organization for future teachers that I belonged to. I remember saying, "I am only one but I am one, I cannot do everything but I can do something. What I can do and what I should do by the grace of God, I will do." I won. My friend and I flew to Tampa. She was a state officer too. High School was so much fun. Mainly because of the extracurricular activities and the socializing. Summer cheering camps were always a fun adventure. I loved cheering more than ever. I remember my boyfriend came to visit me while I was at camp that year. My first love. I was popular enough. Still had the same big smile on my face. Voted editor of senior class yearbook and won homecoming queen. I still enjoyed swimming in the creek, but now it was important to show off my slim body in my two piece and strut my long tanned legs. Drank some Boons Farm once. My daddy would have killed me. A little naughty at times but a lot nice. Married young to my high school bow, one year into college. Young love was very hard. Finishing college, working full time, being a wife and mother was not a job for the faint of heart. It took great sacrifice. I became the teacher that I said I never would be. That was mainly because my parents and sister were teachers and I wanted to be something different. My young daughter was caught twixt and tween all of it and probably effected the most, but still the cutest, sweetest little blonde you would ever see. My son came along seven years later. He was a Godsend for me and a grandson for my daddy. The son he never had. My son was popular, athletic; excelled in all sports. I remember walking to the football field one night not very far from our house and watching him walk onto the field with football in hand and dreaming of the day he would be the teams quarterback. His dream came true. But, his papa never saw him do that for he passed away just before he was a senior. Daddy was near though. We could feel him cheering him on that year. He also had baseball dreams.They came true too. Proud of his accomplishments. Proud of my daughter too. Love both of my "M & M's." The children's dad and I divorced. I was 40 years old. Divorce is horrible. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Even though I didn't set out to teach,  I discovered that I loved teaching children. I taught for 31 years, becoming National Board Certified toward the end of my career. It definitely stretched me. It took me a while to realize my calling was to work with kids that were underachievers. Since I was one of those, I could relate well. I think it made me a better teacher. My three grandchildren have my heart. I now have five "M's" rather than just two.  I have so much respect for my daughter's hard work in raising them as a single mother. I know...it's very hard. My son married, giving me another daughter. The two of them are adorable. I did get remarried and blessed with more children and more grandchildren to love. We retired recently, my husband and I, and took a trip. I have always had a lifelong dream of going to Italy. It was wonderful. Hopeless romantic that I am; candle light dinners, sunsets with a glass of chardonnay, and intimate conversation. I know I had to have once lived during the Victorian era; lace, pearls, and romance. God gave me a very special gift when He gave me my husband. We have the same roots, growing up in the same small town, on the same creek, even if it did take us over fifty years to find each other. We now find ourselves living in the middle of the woods, near a creek, in a different small town. It definitely feels like we have come full circle. One of my biggest life lessons has been... for me to realize, it's how I look through my lenses at the world that determines what I see. Love this quote by Marcel Proust. The real voyage of discovery consist not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with "new eyes." I realize now that I can change no one but myself.  I can't really fix anything either. Believe me, I tried. It didn't work. So now I can relax! For the first time in sixty years, I don't feel like I am in the middle of a struggle. No outward struggle...no inner struggle. Sixty feels good. Real good!

 I know for sure...that no earthly thing will ever really satisfy my soul...but as long as I have this earthly body, I will always enjoy; a morning cup of coffee with Jesus, walking hand in hand with my husband through the woods, reading and writing, sitting on my front porch and talking about life to anyone that will listen, dreaming about the cabin we hope to one day have, being crafty and my husband liking it, laughing over silly things with our son, our daughters, daughter-in-love and son-in-loves and being a part of their lives, sitting around a campfire with our grands telling stories and looking at the stars, hugs and kisses and seeing smiles on their faces as they do what they enjoy, going to church on Sunday morning, enjoying a wonderful, long, healthy life with my precious elderly mother, affectionately known as Nana by her family, beach trips with my "favorite" only sister, looking out our window at brother-in-law's and sisters cozy cabin (or will be one day), sharing the goodness of God with friends, packing a suitcase for the next trip, walking on the beach, tea time at noon, watching the sunset, watching the sunrise, watching nieces and nephews-in-love raise their children to love Jesus, and grand nieces and nephews loving life, lifting a hand or giving a smile to someone in need, watching children play, seeing a child learn, watching the birds, lying in my hammock, living in the moment, watching a good movie with my hubby, the fresh breath of God as He breathes on His people, close relationships, dreaming about a mission trip to Africa, planting flowers, watching butterflies, pumpkin pies in the fall, Christmas, laughing and crying, having a husband that lets me be me, fried shrimp, taking pictures of beautiful things, a miracle, listening to worship music, writing about Jesus through life experiences, snuggling with my husband, realizing that through it all I am worshiping my Father God every day with my whole life..

Thank you Father for this great life you have given me!

Here's to the next Sixty!!!

sammie jean

It's A Relationship I Desire...

Sixty years.
  What do I have to show?

I asked God,"Has my life been what you required?"
"Or rather what you desired?"

I have always believed in you, I even took the step of faith,
I asked you to come into my heart when I was young
But decisions soon hardened that choice
I didn't see you in my life like I once had before

I tried to do good, work hard, and
smile everywhere I would go.
I was sure if I did everything right
You would be pleased, I know

But, you said, that hadn't been your requirement
that you hadn't asked it of me
my desire was for you to live instead
face to face, in my mercy and grace, totally free

I had to ponder that awhile
you don't change mindsets with ease
culture is hard to break from
it was everyone else that I had aimed to please

 the tide began to turn though
There was something different in the air
a fresh new breeze blew in
I sensed you drawing me there

I turned my face toward you
Your eyes, oh your eyes, full of compassion and love
"You are enough" you said, "always have been and always will be"
"Stop trying so hard, you have always been enough for me"

My feet became lighter, my soul started to dance
You blew your breath of freedom into my lungs
now flesh was no longer my interest
 I only longed to please you

 I realize now
that I'm your beautiful bride, forever
for all eternity...

"There is something I would have you do,"
I heard you gently say
"Go tell others this truth
how much I desire and wait for them every day,"

"It's not their performance
that I'm seeking, no not that at all,
it's a relationship I desire
nothing... nothing... more..."

sammie jean 3/12/17

My Family Tree

This past weekend our family, (on my dad's side), held our annual family get-together. It mainly consist of cousins now. All the brothers have passed away except for the third born son. He is now the patriarch of the family. He has always been a gentle giant. He stands well over 6 feet tall but such a meek spirit. "Uncle Mitch," I asked, "How does it feel to be the only one left in your family?" With tears in his eyes he told me that it was really hard. He said that he thought a lot about doing things with his brothers that he had so enjoyed doing with them in the past. Especially my daddy, the oldest in the family. They were both very athletic; my daddy active in basketball, football, and softball, coaching all three and my uncle, very active in golf, until just recently, did his health prevent him from playing. He was a very good golf player, probably could have gone pro at one time. Daddy and my uncle did so many things together even as adult men. Both, him and daddy refereed basketball games together for many years. They were so good that they refereed state championships.  They were and my uncle still is avid sportsmen; loving to fish and then frying them, fresh right out of the creek. They are both known for their fried fish and hush puppies. I know. I've enjoyed them many times. As he talked about daddy, he said that he wished that he could just have a little more time with him.  Uncle Mitch, I pray that you know Jesus. You will have a wonderful reunion one day with daddy, your other brothers and sister that died at childbirth, granny, and poppy. Oh, what a reunion that will be!  I know you have a lot of catching up to do... you will have plenty of time to do it...for eternity.

My mom is the matriarch of the family. She is the only sibling still living in her family. The baby of a family of six children. Two girls, including herself, and four brothers. She is an amazing woman. Her and daddy celebrated their golden wedding anniversary before he passed away. She was the wind beneath his feet when he was alive. She was a quiet force to be reckoned with though.  Daddy knew when he was awfully close to that infamous, "line drawn in the sand." Daddy a great man in everything he accomplished, college basketball high point maker, high school football and basketball state champion, high school principal, and state legislator; known for always standing firm on his beliefs and staying the same whether he was in the woods talking to friends or in the capitol building. He might have been known as Big Sam but everyone knew who really helped make him who he was, my mom. Mom has her own bragging rights though, she coached winning high school teams in softball, track, and volleyball. She coached all girls, rather they played sports or not everyday in her physical education classes.She will tell you that her greatest accomplishment is caring about young girls.  No matter where I go, everyone always ask me about my mom. I often hear stories about how both my parents impacted their lives growing up. My chest swells with pride for my parents. My mom is eighty -five, just a month shy of eighty-six.  She is definitely the glue that sticks our family together. She still provides that same strong foundation for all our family that she always did for daddy.

My mom was married to my dad for over fifty years and my uncle and Aunt Toogie have been married for over 50 years, also. They both raised a respectable family and diligently worked at the same jobs for over 30 years. They are well-known and loved in their communities.  What a great accomplishment. Hold your heads high! Even though you have done so much, you're not finished yet. God still has you here for a purpose.

Since my move to the woods, I have a new appreciation for pine trees. They have never been my favorite tree. I have always been partial to the hardwoods; the oak tree especially, as it shows off all it's magnificent color in the fall and changes through the seasons. But, the pine trees have caught my eye. I knew they were tall but as I gaze up at them in the night sky, they appear to go on and on, endlessly. They stand so tall and confident. Last night as I sat around our campfire and looked up into the night sky, I once again saw the vast stature of the pine trees all around us. It appeared as if they held there head a little higher as they towered above the other trees in the woods. It made me think of my "family tree"; my mama and Uncle Mitch, and all their accomplishments. They should walk a little straighter and lift their heads a little higher. Not because they are better than anyone else or have necessarily accomplished more than anyone else. It's because they are the salt of the earth; just plain, down to earth, good people. Uncle Mitch, Aunt Toogie, mama, like the pine tree, you have definitely flourished in the "soil" that God has given you.  I think that is all He ask us to do.

Love and appreciate you so very much,
Sammie Jean


 whoever pursues righteousness and love; finds life, prosperity, and honor Proverbs 21:21 NIV

Uncle Mitch at Cousins Reunion Feb. 2017

7

it makes me think of my daddy

We recently went through a big move. Well, only 71 miles away from where I lived practically my whole life, but a big move to me. The whole process is big; physical, spiritual, and emotional; selling the house that I lived in a long time, getting rid of extra furniture, having a yard sale (I hate yard sales), searching for boxes (in dumpsters), wrapping, packing, and cleaning. Not to even mention, leaving family and close friends behind. And, all the questions...God, you did promise me that you would never leave or forsake me, didn't you? Well, it's been several weeks now since our move. Things are quiet and peaceful here. But, it still makes me tired when I think about it. Moving is a big deal! Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. We moved to a very small town. Probably only one gas/mini-grocery store here. To get to our house, you go down a little dirt road, a little over a third of a mile, so it's in the middle of the woods kinda. A creek runs around the back side of our property. There isn't much to do here, the usual outdoor stuff; hunt, fish, take a walk, watch your grand kids play baseball, go to church, go to the grocery store, and lie in my hammock (of course I remembered to bring it.) It's beautiful, peaceful, country. You know how when someone loves where they live they describe it as, "God's country." Well, this definitely is. One of the most magnificent sights though is star gazing at night. There isn't any city lights to contend with so all you see is a vast, dark night sky and the most spectacular display of stars, constellations, planets and the moon. The only way I could describe it, the first night I looked up was, it took my breath away. I can see why my daddy loved it so much in this area. He didn't have a fishing camp here, but when I was younger he came to this county a lot to stay with friends in their cabin. He was a real out-doors man and it was a chance for him to get out in the woods that he so loved. He loved hunting, fishing, cooking, and eating. He was a rather hefty man and loved his fried fish and hush puppies. He could cook them as well as anyone could in this part of the country. I'm sure they had their share of campfires and told fish tales and buck stories around it about the big one that got away. They probably even played a game or two of poker. Daddy never told me that much about it but because I knew him so well, I can just imagine.
My husband and I were sitting on our front porch the first night that we lived here. It was kinda funny. But, I was rocking and the rocking chair next to me was rocking by itself. I looked over at the chair and I looked back at my husband and I said something to the effect of, "Do we have a ghost?" The boards on our front porch had not been totally secured and they were moving every time I rocked. It felt very weird. He said jokingly, "Its your daddy rocking with you." Well, that didn't have the effect on me that he expected. I started to cry. No, I started to "boohoo." He said that he was so sorry and got up to come over and console me. Not so sure why it impacted me in that way. I responded to him, "I feel so close to my daddy here." Daddy has been gone for over 10 years. I think about him a lot. A whole lot! He was a big man with big personality and love for life, so it's impossible not to see him in everything I do. I can just hear him now, "Sammie Jean, what are you doing living in those woods?" My answer is, daddy I'm not so sure. But, the truth is...I'm really loving it. I think daddy and I have a whole lot in common.

sammie jean

Check out...mymorningmeanderings.blogspot.com

Just wanted to let you know I have started a new blog entitled, My Morning Meanderings at, mymorningmeanderings.blogspot.com. Hope you'll join me as I wonder down a "new path".

I will still be blogging on. "A Life Lying Down."

Grab a cup of coffee and join me 😉

Living Loved!
Sammie Jean

A YEAR BEHIND US...NEW PATH AHEAD

As I walk down my new path, a little dirt road, with leaves, pine straw and all types of animal tracks on it, around a pond, and into the woods, not sure where it leads completely. Kinda like 2017. But, as 2016 winds down my mind revs up and I think about the rain in the natural and in the spiritual, so thankful for God's goodness to us this year.

My husband's and my seventh year of marriage has been one of jubilee. God has smiled down on us with favor. Our land has been blessed with bounty. From jobs for our kids, health for our families, restoration of relationships, to the selling of our home and preparation for a new one...He has been very near.

God has begun restoring relationships. I am beginning to understand things that I haven't understood before about relationships in my family. When I say restore I don't mean to how it was before but how God wanted it to be from the beginning. As in Malachi's prophesy in the old testament, I will turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents, I feel this is happening.

Three dear high school friends came back in my life this year. They were never very far away but sometimes when you're out of sight you're out of mind too. God lead us to a little cabin in Georgia to spend some time together. There he showed us how much he loved us and we once again realized how much we loved each other. All I can say about these women is that they are precious gems. Diamonds, rubies, and sapphires. And like all other gems, they have gone through a lot of fire to become the beautiful stones that they are. But, through it all, they radiate with the Love of God on
their faces. I found a quote from C. S. Lewis that I believe fits our friendship.  You have not chosen
one another, but I have chosen you for one another. I love these women.

Months back, my husband and I, sat on our porch around a fire one night and talked about the future. It has now started to come to fruition.  We sold our home only weeks after putting it on the market with the first person that looked at it. I remember telling my realtor the day that she came to look at the house that I really thought that it would sell fast, but I had no idea just how fast! When am I ever going to learn that God will do what He says He will do! I have felt for a while that God was telling me to "step out of the boat."  When I made the first move, I saw He was serious. He made the next...He sold our house quickly. So, together we are going to do this. On a recent trip, I found a cute little plaque that I loved. It said "Less House, More Home." It really spoke to me.  I  can't say that I
totally understand it, but I'm ready to experience it. I'm pretty sure that He is going to teach us what it means cause were moving from a 1400 square foot house to a little camper. But, the wooded view is gorgeous!

All this brings me back to my front porch, sitting alone, approximately 10 years ago when I heard Holy Spirit. He spoke to me, "I will restore all that has been stolen from you by the enemy." Of
course, I immediately thought that would be money. All along, He had plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope, and a future. So much more than I could have ever dreamed of. He started with giving me a Godly husband. And gave my grandchildren a Godly grandfather. Then, things started falling into place. Today I realize that peace, love, joy and contentment had been stolen from me. These things money cannot buy!

I am an emotional person. I was raised with a lot of emotion.  I am learning that emotion will fool
you, and cannot be trusted.  I have relied on my emotion way too long. I am seeing that love and emotion are not always friends. So, what did God do? He brought me a man that is not as emotional as I am. He has lovingly told me the truth even when I didn't want to hear it. I am so thankful that God loved me and my family so much that he sent us this wonderful man.

I have begun to understand more about setting boundaries in my own life and the relationships around me. I have always cared way too much about what people thought of me. I am starting to understand that I only need acceptance from my Father God and my husband which He has given to me as a help-mate, and if I please anybody other than that then,"that's just icing on top of the cake." I've always heard that you teach other people how to treat you. I believe it.   It's kinda like "say what you mean and mean what you say."  A life of integrity.  The more I care about myself then the more I will care about how others treat me. The more I care about myself then the more I will care how I treat others. Now I understand why that rule is "golden."

I pray that my daughter and granddaughter see what a "pearl of great price" that they are. I pray that they understand God's love for them. That they are made in His image and beautiful in His sight. The only man that is good enough for them is the man that is sent from Him to them.

 I am thankful for my church family. I appreciate all the years that they have stood with me. Through all the ups and downs in life. Through times of misunderstandings and times of great joy, they have been there. During a youth service, New Years Eve, at our church, I stood on the back row and watched the youth, and young adults take their places whether it be in dance, song, word, or worship. I couldn't help but just smile (with a little pride) and say "thank you Father." This is the beginning of the latter day rain that we have prayed for. This rain will bring forth all the seeds planted on good soil. What a beautiful harvest it will be.

I'm so thankful for the rain (in the physical and spiritual.) The drought is over. This new path that I am on is not familiar.. I am "stepping out of the boat." I trust in Him. He has never failed me.

 God Has New For You (and me) in 2017! Let's do this!

 Sammie Jean

Cleaning Out The Clutter

I thought about it yesterday when our house was being inspected. The inspection was being done for the buyers of our house to make sure everything worked properly. It was thorough. He looked in every crook and cranny in our house. He told me it would feel invasive and he wasn't kidding. He opened every door, window, went on the roof and in the attic...the inspection passed.

As I started going through the things in my house I had several boxes close by;  a box for things I wanted to keep, a box of definite get rid of (I wondered why I still had them), and a lot of maybes.  As I looked through years of treasures, I took inventory.

We decided that we would sell our furniture because we didn't have room to store it and didn't want to have to move it a second time upon finding another house.  We didn't want to pay for storage either because after a while that can get expensive. So, we decided that the best option was to sell our furniture. There were a few items I couldn't part with. One was the chair that I had had recovered with a new fabric. The chair was my mothers favorite chair in the house that I grew up in. She would get up early every morning and have her cup of coffee and devotion in that chair by the big picture window in the living room, It was her prayer closet, I'm sure of. Secondly,  I looked at the hope chest at the foot of my bed in my bedroom. Mama and daddy got it for me when I was 16 years old.  I probably wanted it because I'm sentimental in that way. I hope, ponder, and think about things.  Growing up I didn't really put that much in it though. Some stainless steel pots and pans that mama and daddy bought for me from a man selling them at the school where mama taught and daddy was principal. I think I stored my cap and gown in it from high school and maybe a diploma or two. I even put a baby dress and maybe some shoes in it. I don't guess I "hoped"as much as I thought I would. It basically became a good storage place.

 All these years it has been a cedar chest to store my winter clothes in and I hadn't thought about it much.  But as I pondered what to sell and what not to sell it became a precious piece of furniture to me. It  had been in my life now for 43 years. Just like me, it had been through a few things. It was definitely a keeper. My first thought was, I'll give it to my granddaughter. I even explained to my granddaughter that I was going to give her a hope chest. She exclaimed, "What is a a hope chest?" So,  we had a small history lesson about the cedar chest, which was later referred to as a hope chest. I told her that as far back as the Pilgrims coming to America from England, they brought their valuables in a chest made of cedar. They made these chest and used cedar because it was a good, plentiful, wood and would keep bugs out. I think I enjoyed sharing that with her much more then she enjoyed hearing about it. However, a few days later, Holy Spirit tenderly told me that I should give it to my daughter first not my granddaughter. As He always does He started gently teaching me about the errors of my ways.

He took me back to the years when my daughter was growing up and I was much younger. My husband and I had not been married but three years and I was 22 years old. I wish that those times could have been happier times but they weren't. I was preoccupied with a lot of stuff so therefore, I never really made my daughter feel special and loved in the way that she needed to feel loved. I guess I didn't feel special either.  I was too absorbed with my own problems. I see now that you cannot give what you don't have to give. So for most of our lives we have had a lot of conflict and have blamed each other for way too many things.

 I always heard Oprah Winfrey say, "When you know better, you do better." So, that's what I did, I called her on the phone and asked her did she want my old hope chest. The first thing she said was, "Why are you giving it to me are you fixing to die?" I laughed and said, "Well you never know but I want you to have it." I could hear a twinkle in her voice as she said, "Yes, I want it." After all these years I think that she felt that she was special to me.

As I continued to clean out clutter, I uncovered a book that I bought for her in June of 1995, entitled "To My Daughter With Love." She was 16 years old. I wrote in it some back in those days but as days went on and hardships came I put it on the back burner. There it has stayed for 21 years. Now, was the time to brush the dust off of it and allow God to bring restoration of things that had been lost along the way. I sensed that He so wanted to do that for us.

The book is written in three parts;  about my mother, about myself, and about my daughter. I realized as I started writing again in the book that I wasn't the same person that I was 21 years ago. God was really up to something.

I spent hours talking to my mother about things in her past. Some things I could recollect and others I heard for the first time. For, in these hours I spent with her, I realized that it was all part of a journey to restore. Just like her old chair that I saved from our family home, I just needed to be healed of old hurts and disappointments with a fresh new love for her. So, it was a time for us to connect in a way that we had never done before. To get to know each other as adults. For many things had been said along the way that might should not have been said and many things had been left unsaid. It didn't seem to really matter any more. I forgave her, connecting with her as my mother was more important to me than all the disappointments in the past.  For I realized that some of the same feelings that my daughter had toward me, I had toward my mother. Like all daughters, I just wanted to be special to her and for her to look at me the way that only a mother and daughter look at each other. I'm sure she wanted the same.

So, I continued in the book beyond the pages about my mother, to the pages about me. It was hard. Very hard. Difficult to write about a person that I didn't know anymore. It's kinda funny in a way but I think that my procrastination was a good thing this time. God used my bad habit to tell this story in retrospect. He has a good sense of humor.  I could tell it now from a viewpoint of wisdom and of love for her that I never had before.

I'm still working on the book that I will soon give her and one day she can give it to her daughter. My hope and prayer for you is that you see your daughter as the beautiful, wonderful daughter that she is today...please don't wait until tomorrow to show her.

My Daughter

I didn't tell you I love you enough,
there wasn't that "mom/daughter sparkle" in my eye
 I  failed to appreciate
 the precious gift in my hand.

 I could only see my pain
it was easier to look the other way.
  I did not say what I needed to say

Realizing too late
time had slipped away
 love, joy, peace
was not our friend...
but, rather unforgivness had
crept in

Upon finding this book
laden with dust
Holy Spirit drew me close
I became remorseful for the fuss

Daughter, I cannot change the past
But I can embrace our days ahead
Father God show us
 your better way instead

Help us find the peace that we have not known
The joy that can only be found in you

Love that is undeniable
love that is unshakable
the love that only You can do

Daughter, I love you today and all our days to come

Mama
2017 (It's Our Year)

1979-2017