Sixty Years...What I Know for Sure

Sixty years ago, born blonde haired, blue eyed, probably no hair really, just a little peach fuzz to a couple of young teachers. I was given the feminine version of my daddy's name, (for he was in hopes of a son), and joined an older sister which was four and 1/2 years old. I was raised in a very small town in the panhandle of  Florida. Crossed a bridge over a creek every day, twice a day, to get to school and back to the place I called home. I lived in the same house for 18 years. My sister and I had our own rooms, we had central heating and air, washing machine and dryer my whole life. A very easy life, in that way. We always had odd and end chores to do though. Daddy was an entrepreneur so he always had something extra going on; a coined operated laundromat that we kept clean. We didn't live on a farm (really) but daddy still had pigs, of which we had to unload corn for occasionally, on an early Saturday morning. He kept us on our toes like that. He didn't want to spoil us (I guess.)  My mother worked hard too. She had a full time job, but  I can still smell those homemade biscuits that she made every morning for breakfast before we went to school. Daddy and mama worked hard to make a good life for the four of us. My grandparents were an important part of my growing up. I would attend a "holiness" church with them on occasion. I can still hear my poppy request a certain page number to sing from the upbeat list of songs; what an impression this must have made on me in those formative years. Loved spending the night with them. Poppy always had to have his bowl of ice cream. Me too. My granny could make the best homemade peanut candy. She would use fresh cane syrup made just down the road. I can still see us standing around while it cooled, anxiously waiting her to say, "Okay, it's ready." Miss my grandparents so. Everyday of my life, mama pulled my hair straight back in a pony tail and she would drive us to school all together; the three of us. I was known as "Sammie Jean" by those that knew me well. You know every little southern girl has to have her middle name attached to her first name. Daddy and mama taught physical education at the same school where my sister and I attended school our whole lives. That was where life became a little more complicated. There were always certain expectations that we had to live up to and there were always those that thought we had it easier than they did. They just didn't know. I had new dresses hanging in my closet that I wouldn't wear to school. Friends in elementary school ran and hid from me and whispered behind my back. I just smiled and acted like it didn't bother me. Never understood why, guess I wasn't suppose to. Wasn't crazy about elementary school.  We couldn't play outside long enough and had to learn multiplication facts by heart. Hated numbers and math. Couldn't wait to get home and play with my next door neighbor, a boy. I was a tomboy so it was easy. We rode bikes, climbed trees, life was simple in my yard so unlike school. We played hard and I got hurt often. Fell out of tree and sprang my arm, and severely cut my leg open and had to get stitches.  My piano teacher once said, "If you practiced as much as you rode your bike you would be great." Oh well, I didn't practice and was never great. I also had a big imagination and loved playing alone too. My dolls were close companions. Watched The Wizard of  Oz every year of my life. Cried every time. I could relate to Dorothy, the lion, the scarecrow, and the tin man. There were pieces of my personality entwined in each one of them.  I was a natural born entertainer. I couldn't sing very well but that didn't matter. I sang at school functions and at church too. I was a jokester in my family, always trying to keep them laughing. Never understood why they thought it was funny that I turned and looked at them out of the corner of my eye when I wasn't telling the truth. Oh well, they laughed anyway. I would do anything to get my daddy's attention. Like the times he would say, "Sammie Jean, climb that rope to the top of the gym." "Show these boys how it is done." After all, I was his namesake, I wasn't dare going to disappoint him.  Pleasing daddy was very important to me when I was a little girl.  I once even wore the campaign sticker that said, "Vote For My Daddy", when he ran for a political office. He always had my vote...and my heart. Think about my daddy often. I'm not sure if learning was hard because I wasn't smart enough or I just didn't have my heart in it. I'm pretty sure I was good at the things I was passionate about...like anything physical. Each summer we took swimming lessons in the nearby town. I remember those in charge telling me to get out of the pool and get in the right class. I always wanted to be in the class with my friends. I guess I was such a good swimmer because I practically lived in the creek across from our house. Everyone would either climb the big tree and dive out of it or swing from the rope and jump into the icy cold water (or both.) All of us "creek dwellers" could swim like a fish. I remember being on up in age when I told my friend one summer that we couldn't play together. It was hard to explain but I just knew for some strange reason that I didn't want to ride my bicycle with him anymore. I wore my hair down to school for the first time that year and put a little mascara on. I won class beauty. Pretty enough...definitely not a beauty. I had lost some of my tomboy ways though. I remember seeing the movie Love Story with my friend. I cried for a week, but I loved that movie anyway. Middle school was fun. Loved science class. My friends and I left class everyday to cross the road and go into the woods near the creek and work on our science project. I can't tell you what our project was or why we were allowed to do that, but it was the funnest class of my life. I think that is when I fell in love with life science.  I became a cheerleader in middle school. It was the natural thing to do; my sister was a cheerleader, my mama was the coach, and I loved being in front of a crowd.  It was a perfect fit.  Every since I can remember I loved God. Never cared too much for the formality of church though. But, there were always older girls in our church that I looked up to and loved. I loved my sister's friends too. Her and her friends were a good influence. I loved how they all loved Jesus so much. I once gave a speech to become state chaplain in an organization for future teachers that I belonged to. I remember saying, "I am only one but I am one, I cannot do everything but I can do something. What I can do and what I should do by the grace of God, I will do." I won. My friend and I flew to Tampa. She was a state officer too. High School was so much fun. Mainly because of the extracurricular activities and the socializing. Summer cheering camps were always a fun adventure. I loved cheering more than ever. I remember my boyfriend came to visit me while I was at camp that year. My first love. I was popular enough. Still had the same big smile on my face. Voted editor of senior class yearbook and won homecoming queen. I still enjoyed swimming in the creek, but now it was important to show off my slim body in my two piece and strut my long tanned legs. Drank some Boons Farm once. My daddy would have killed me. A little naughty at times but a lot nice. Married young to my high school bow, one year into college. Young love was very hard. Finishing college, working full time, being a wife and mother was not a job for the faint of heart. It took great sacrifice. I became the teacher that I said I never would be. That was mainly because my parents and sister were teachers and I wanted to be something different. My young daughter was caught twixt and tween all of it and probably effected the most, but still the cutest, sweetest little blonde you would ever see. My son came along seven years later. He was a Godsend for me and a grandson for my daddy. The son he never had. My son was popular, athletic; excelled in all sports. I remember walking to the football field one night not very far from our house and watching him walk onto the field with football in hand and dreaming of the day he would be the teams quarterback. His dream came true. But, his papa never saw him do that for he passed away just before he was a senior. Daddy was near though. We could feel him cheering him on that year. He also had baseball dreams.They came true too. Proud of his accomplishments. Proud of my daughter too. Love both of my "M & M's." The children's dad and I divorced. I was 40 years old. Divorce is horrible. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Even though I didn't set out to teach,  I discovered that I loved teaching children. I taught for 31 years, becoming National Board Certified toward the end of my career. It definitely stretched me. It took me a while to realize my calling was to work with kids that were underachievers. Since I was one of those, I could relate well. I think it made me a better teacher. My three grandchildren have my heart. I now have five "M's" rather than just two.  I have so much respect for my daughter's hard work in raising them as a single mother. I know...it's very hard. My son married, giving me another daughter. The two of them are adorable. I did get remarried and blessed with more children and more grandchildren to love. We retired recently, my husband and I, and took a trip. I have always had a lifelong dream of going to Italy. It was wonderful. Hopeless romantic that I am; candle light dinners, sunsets with a glass of chardonnay, and intimate conversation. I know I had to have once lived during the Victorian era; lace, pearls, and romance. God gave me a very special gift when He gave me my husband. We have the same roots, growing up in the same small town, on the same creek, even if it did take us over fifty years to find each other. We now find ourselves living in the middle of the woods, near a creek, in a different small town. It definitely feels like we have come full circle. One of my biggest life lessons has been... for me to realize, it's how I look through my lenses at the world that determines what I see. Love this quote by Marcel Proust. The real voyage of discovery consist not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with "new eyes." I realize now that I can change no one but myself.  I can't really fix anything either. Believe me, I tried. It didn't work. So now I can relax! For the first time in sixty years, I don't feel like I am in the middle of a struggle. No outward struggle...no inner struggle. Sixty feels good. Real good!

 I know for sure...that no earthly thing will ever really satisfy my soul...but as long as I have this earthly body, I will always enjoy; a morning cup of coffee with Jesus, walking hand in hand with my husband through the woods, reading and writing, sitting on my front porch and talking about life to anyone that will listen, dreaming about the cabin we hope to one day have, being crafty and my husband liking it, laughing over silly things with our son, our daughters, daughter-in-love and son-in-loves and being a part of their lives, sitting around a campfire with our grands telling stories and looking at the stars, hugs and kisses and seeing smiles on their faces as they do what they enjoy, going to church on Sunday morning, enjoying a wonderful, long, healthy life with my precious elderly mother, affectionately known as Nana by her family, beach trips with my "favorite" only sister, looking out our window at brother-in-law's and sisters cozy cabin (or will be one day), sharing the goodness of God with friends, packing a suitcase for the next trip, walking on the beach, tea time at noon, watching the sunset, watching the sunrise, watching nieces and nephews-in-love raise their children to love Jesus, and grand nieces and nephews loving life, lifting a hand or giving a smile to someone in need, watching children play, seeing a child learn, watching the birds, lying in my hammock, living in the moment, watching a good movie with my hubby, the fresh breath of God as He breathes on His people, close relationships, dreaming about a mission trip to Africa, planting flowers, watching butterflies, pumpkin pies in the fall, Christmas, laughing and crying, having a husband that lets me be me, fried shrimp, taking pictures of beautiful things, a miracle, listening to worship music, writing about Jesus through life experiences, snuggling with my husband, realizing that through it all I am worshiping my Father God every day with my whole life..

Thank you Father for this great life you have given me!

Here's to the next Sixty!!!

sammie jean

It's A Relationship I Desire...

Sixty years.
  What do I have to show?

I asked God,"Has my life been what you required?"
"Or rather what you desired?"

I have always believed in you, I even took the step of faith,
I asked you to come into my heart when I was young
But decisions soon hardened that choice
I didn't see you in my life like I once had before

I tried to do good, work hard, and
smile everywhere I would go.
I was sure if I did everything right
You would be pleased, I know

But, you said, that hadn't been your requirement
that you hadn't asked it of me
my desire was for you to live instead
face to face, in my mercy and grace, totally free

I had to ponder that awhile
you don't change mindsets with ease
culture is hard to break from
it was everyone else that I had aimed to please

 the tide began to turn though
There was something different in the air
a fresh new breeze blew in
I sensed you drawing me there

I turned my face toward you
Your eyes, oh your eyes, full of compassion and love
"You are enough" you said, "always have been and always will be"
"Stop trying so hard, you have always been enough for me"

My feet became lighter, my soul started to dance
You blew your breath of freedom into my lungs
now flesh was no longer my interest
 I only longed to please you

 I realize now
that I'm your beautiful bride, forever
for all eternity...

"There is something I would have you do,"
I heard you gently say
"Go tell others this truth
how much I desire and wait for them every day,"

"It's not their performance
that I'm seeking, no not that at all,
it's a relationship I desire
nothing... nothing... more..."

sammie jean 3/12/17